Sex during the spin cycle’s a big hit on screen, but in a grimy apartment laundry room where an elderly neighbor might walk in?
An old sexual trend is new again – washing-machine sex. On television, in movies, even in ads on the subway, appliance sex is causing a spin-cycle commotion.
Sadly, this is one exploit the apartment-dwelling ladies of New York City will have a difficult time enjoying. I learned this in my own laundry room.
But while Davidson specializes in fearless sex, there’s a lot of anxiety to account for when getting dirty while cleaning.
A full wash and a spin cycle takes about an hour. The ideal time to maximize the vibration level of your appliance is about 40 minutes into your cycle. Timing is key.
Sure, the idea of a spontaneous romp on a whirling washer sounds supersexy, but in practice, it really is too much trouble to do your delicates in the laundry room.
Problem No. 1: New Yorkers have communal laundry areas. These are usually in the basement of your apartment building, an area that abounds with mice and roaches and God knows what else. One look at my grimy ground floor and the mood was quickly squelched.
Problem No. 2: Lots of New Yorkers do their laundry at night, so if you think you can sneak downstairs for a quickie around midnight, you just might run into your 65-year-old neighbor washing his sheets. That was awkward.
Problem No. 3: New York City washing machines are usually stacked with dryers to conserve space. You can perform a careful lean, and some creative yoga positions, while the clothes are tumbling, but you can’t exactly maximize the vibration effect.
And while the thought of throwing your girlfriend down on the washing machine and going at it with abandon may seem like a fantasy right out of the “Stepford Wives,” some guys seem to have an irrational fear of the spin cycle.
As we considered taking the plunge into appliance sex, my partner in crime, already skeptical of the communal laundry room in my basement, raised another concern.
“Men don’t like things that vibrate,” he said matter of factly. “We are scared of them.”
Why is that?
“We just don’t want them anywhere near our (privates)!”
And that was the end of that. Ladies, if you want to get it on on the Maytag, move to the suburbs and find a guy who isn’t afraid to give his boys a shake.
Though, come to think of it, the woman who works at the drop-off Laundromat is probably the cheeriest lady on my block. Maybe there is something to it.
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